What was I thinking? #tiredexhausted #teamhonk

It all seemed like a great idea at the time. I wanted to join in the fun, do my bit, show my support for the #teamhonk bloggers relay. But now I'm wondering - what was I thinking?

In a fit of enthusiasm and on a day when I felt almost normal, and was sitting down, I agreed to cycle 16 miles from Hemel Hempstead to St Albans.

Time ticked on and my usual winter Fibro flare-up crept up on me like a viscous dragon with sharp claws and fiery breath. I'm sitting in bed now, hands so stiff it hurts to type just days away from the ride wondering if I'll be able to even be able to drive myself to the start point!

Luckily having realised quite early on that 16 miles was, for me, the equivalent of walking to Denmark for a person not lumbered with a chronic fatigue/pain syndrome. I have shortened the route I am cycling considerably. I think it's about 2.5 miles now and then the fitter members of our team will carry the baton on...

I'm a bit gutted. I wanted to do it all. I feel I'm missing out on the handover, that feeling of achievement, camaraderie, teamwork. But I hurt so much.......

I have to be sensible. Even if I did push myself I know it would be game over for my body who knows how long? And I have children, and a husband and responsibilities which means I have to obey the teeny-tiny occupational therapist who chants "pacing, pacing" in my head.

Hand up everyone who hates that word. I don't want to pace myself. I want to throw myself into life headfirst with abandon, squealing with excitement, living it to the max. I want to arrive at the pearly gates, flushed and out of breath saying:"Well that was a blast!"

But pace myself I must and be thankful that at least I'm not permanently bedridden, or in a chair, or too scared to leave my house, my room for fear of pain, anxiety, exhaustion. At least there's a possibility I'll make 2.5 miles albeit very slowly and with my special bike which brakes when I pedal backwards sparing my poor hurty and weak fingers.

So keep your fingers crossed for me, that Tuesday Feb 4 dawns bright and as warm as a February day can. That Fibro backs off for a day and that at least I feel like I took part. And if you want to show support feel free to sponsor me and our team here .



This post is linked to the monthly #tiredexhausted linky which aims to increase knowledge and acceptance of so-called invisible illnesses and conditions. Feel free to click the rainbow badge  and read more posts, or add yours. February's Linky stays open until Sunday Feb 8, 2014.