I have had it up to here (indicates area above head) with toxic relationships in my life. I have wasted so much time and energy trying to fix them and now as an old crone I have finally realised it's time to mourn briefly and move on.
If you know me personally and are reading this you are possibly wondering and worrying if I am talking about you. The fact is if you are worried about it, it probably isn't you!
I had a toxic relationship with my birth father and you'd think that after decades of trying to win his love and attention and earning only scorn and abuse I would have learned my lesson when it comes to other relationships.
The problem is that through my more positive relationships and my church background I mostly strive to love and care and share. Ooh shit, that makes me sound a right pompous cow doesn't it but you know what I mean. On the whole I try to a least keep the peace and like many of you I'm sure, have apologised when I'm really not sure or damn well know I am not in the wrong.
Takes deep breathe and tries not to get emotional.
Recently after a relatively long period of feeling settled and confident in my circles - a feeling much aided by the many fantastic friendships I have made through blogging -the sands have started to shift again and I am left feeling like I am drowning, panicking, anxious and desperate to feel solid ground under my feet.
I like the status quo you see. I don't like things changing. Whether you attribute that to nurture or nature, my star sign or my personality, I will always aim to avoid rocking the boat. Unless I'm properly pissed off and then all hell breaks loose. It takes a lot though.
Recently I have been upset and bewildered and annoyed and indignant and every emotion in between. But mostly I've been sad.
I've tried to barrel on in the hope situations will fix themselves. I've tried positive action, denial even a degree of confrontation albeit not face to face.
After some wise words from my husband last night I have realised it is time to mourn briefly, and move on. He told me (because he loves me) that the death of a relationship is their loss not mine and I should be content with having tried everything to save it - you can't flog a dead horse.
And so I am picking myself up and starting again. There will be no drama, no social media spats, no accusations or recriminations. Just a subtle withdrawal which those affected probably won't even notice or care.
I am extremely lucky in that although it takes effort and courage, on the face of it I have good social skills. The trouble is as I and the children get older it gets harder to meet new people who you can have an actual real life relationship with. Online pals are wonderful but you can't beat a cuppa or a shopping trip or cinema outing with 3D friends and family members.
I don't know where the next 12 months will take me. I'm hoping that with some effort my social life will be more about making magic memories than causing heartache.
NB To the very lovely friends I love and trust (trust being a biggie for me) THANK-YOU for all the good times- here's looking forward to more and more. To those I will be backing away from, there is always a path back to friendship but it's your turn to take the first step if you want to.
If you know me personally and are reading this you are possibly wondering and worrying if I am talking about you. The fact is if you are worried about it, it probably isn't you!
I had a toxic relationship with my birth father and you'd think that after decades of trying to win his love and attention and earning only scorn and abuse I would have learned my lesson when it comes to other relationships.
The problem is that through my more positive relationships and my church background I mostly strive to love and care and share. Ooh shit, that makes me sound a right pompous cow doesn't it but you know what I mean. On the whole I try to a least keep the peace and like many of you I'm sure, have apologised when I'm really not sure or damn well know I am not in the wrong.
Takes deep breathe and tries not to get emotional.
Recently after a relatively long period of feeling settled and confident in my circles - a feeling much aided by the many fantastic friendships I have made through blogging -the sands have started to shift again and I am left feeling like I am drowning, panicking, anxious and desperate to feel solid ground under my feet.
I like the status quo you see. I don't like things changing. Whether you attribute that to nurture or nature, my star sign or my personality, I will always aim to avoid rocking the boat. Unless I'm properly pissed off and then all hell breaks loose. It takes a lot though.
Recently I have been upset and bewildered and annoyed and indignant and every emotion in between. But mostly I've been sad.
I've tried to barrel on in the hope situations will fix themselves. I've tried positive action, denial even a degree of confrontation albeit not face to face.
After some wise words from my husband last night I have realised it is time to mourn briefly, and move on. He told me (because he loves me) that the death of a relationship is their loss not mine and I should be content with having tried everything to save it - you can't flog a dead horse.
And so I am picking myself up and starting again. There will be no drama, no social media spats, no accusations or recriminations. Just a subtle withdrawal which those affected probably won't even notice or care.
I am extremely lucky in that although it takes effort and courage, on the face of it I have good social skills. The trouble is as I and the children get older it gets harder to meet new people who you can have an actual real life relationship with. Online pals are wonderful but you can't beat a cuppa or a shopping trip or cinema outing with 3D friends and family members.
I don't know where the next 12 months will take me. I'm hoping that with some effort my social life will be more about making magic memories than causing heartache.
NB To the very lovely friends I love and trust (trust being a biggie for me) THANK-YOU for all the good times- here's looking forward to more and more. To those I will be backing away from, there is always a path back to friendship but it's your turn to take the first step if you want to.