If you are separated from a spouse or partner with a child (or a few) involved, it’s likely you will be well adept at walking a minefield by now. Even the most amicable of separations and divorces take negotiation and compromise. The way you feel about the situation might not match how the other feels, and vice versa, which means, at the very least, establishing a new way of being around each other. Toss a child into the mix and you’ve got a ticking bomb waiting to explode!
It's not possible to do co-parenting 100% right all the time, but it is possible to try your best. Follow our guide to see how you can make the best of the situation.
Establish boundaries
Your child still has two parents, but you don’t have a partner. It’s an odd thing to get used to, and depending on how you feel about the situation, you will have to establish boundaries.
Some of these are easy. You no longer have any right to comment on who your co-parent is seeing, and they no longer have any right to comment on who you are seeing. If the kids mention it, ask innocuous, non-prying questions, and keep your opinion to yourself.
Set out how and when you would like your co-parent to contact you. If you would rather that they are nothing to you but the co-parent of your children, lay out that you don’t want to be contacted and only via text if it is to do with the kids. If you’re okay with behaving like friends that happen to have a kid, let them know, but lay down anything that’s off limits to talk about. It’s better to be up front going into this to avoid awkwardness.
Learn effective communication
Do not rely on using your children as bike messengers between you and your co-parent. If you want to say something, make sure you say everything you want to with the intended implication. This can be harder over text but necessary when you are establishing boundaries.
For the important stuff, allow your divorce lawyers to handle communication. Divorce lawyers from Cordell and Cordell can walk you through the process and handle all the negotiating without you having to say a word.
Be civil towards the other co-parent
Along the same lines, keep your opinion of your co-parent to yourself if it’s unfavorable. If that new partner of theirs is tacky, or a clone of you, or you have gripes about money, or the way they treated you, save it for your friends and a glass of wine.
There is always the risk that your kids might repeat your opinion to your co-parent, but it isn’t the biggest concern. You don’t want to put your kids in the middle of a conflict. You will do damage to their perception of the co-parent, maybe, but more likely they’ll just see you as vindictive and bitter, and probably without their best interest at heart.
If your co-parent isn’t pulling their weight, your kids will eventually see that. Have faith that they have enough sense to see that nuggets don’t compare to your home cooked meal and sticking an iPad in front of them didn’t really count as quality time. If you are treating them well, your kids will know who to turn to for the important moments in life.
Share a calendar
The simplest piece of advice we can give you is to get a shared calendar app. Tell your co-parent the details and have them download the same app. From the same shared calendar, you can all negotiate where and when the children are available without angry discussions hissed over the phone.
You can keep track of the simple things, like who is going to pick up the kids from after school club, as well as planning for the big things like family visits and family holidays.