I first was diagnosed with depression after the birth of my fourth child. Their sibling was extremely ill and being stuck in hospital with him and trying to nurture a baby plus sort childcare for the two boys at home took my all. With time and chemical assistance I got my bounce back - it took my relationship with that baby a while longer after such a rocky start but I am glad to report we are very close now.
Looking back I think I probably had bouts of depression and anxiety long before that but it was the Edinburgh Post Natal Depression Scale test given routinely to new mums in the UK and across the world that picked up that particular period.
My depression takes a form which has taken me a while to identify. Along with my neurodivergence it used to take me a while to twig why I was feeling and acting a certain way but with a concerted effort to self-examine and the benefit of experience I have learnt how best to recognise and deal with it.
I feel overwhelmed, anxious and exhausted.
I am permanently on anti-depressants, partly for low moods and partly to desensitise painful fibromyalgia sensations (nortryptiline). I have tried other medications but this one allows me to feel most "myself" without too many side effects.
Mostly my self care looks like a lazy Sunday. Comfortable soft clothing like joggers and hoodie or PJs, safe bland food, undemanding activities like movies, music or time with my immediate family or sleep. I tend to withdraw from what can be a hectic life and even socialising with friends can be too much.
Although it's often not difficult to work out why a particular situation has triggered low mood almost always they are not things I can change so I don't find discussing them helpful. It is what it is and I just need to take a step back and let the waves wash over me.
People can find it difficult to understand that when I am like this really I can only cope with peopling with my children and husband. Recently I've tried being explicit with stating my situation and my boundaries which helps with my previous guilt at withdrawing if not necessarily with the maintenance of the fences I erect.
I can't believe some people still feel shame at admitting they can't cope, don't want to cope for a bit. It's been liberating understanding that this is a simple chemical health issue like my diabetes and Lichen Sclerosis. It's OK to say you are not OK.
Magazines and tv programmes bang on about self-care. Rich tea fingers, fluffy clothes and terrible TV are my version of self-care. Don't worry- I'll see you on the other side.💖
RESOURCES: If you are feeling down, anxious or depressed there are organisations which can help. Check out the Mental Health Foundation website or speak to your GP, health visitor or midwife.