I'm aware I'm going to come across as a bit of a miserable old git but here we are. I'm post menopausal, everything hurts and my tolerance for nonsense, what there ever was, has gone. So here's my curated list, not exhaustive of things I'm glad were NOT a thing when my children were younger.
I think this list arose in my head because of all the seasonal sh*t in the shops. From Halloween to Christmas it seems the usually quite demure UK has gone a bit bonkers. I'm going to blame the Americans.
Let's start with Halloween. When I was a child (1970's-80's) Halloween was a mildly spooky day mostly overlooked in the excitement about bonfire night. People still (just about) did "Penny for the Guy" pushing round badly stuffed clothes depicting Mr Fawkes who then ended up atop a fire.
There was no "Trick or Treat", no mega buckets of sweets to buy to hand out and I don't even recall pumpkins being carved and displayed if I'm honest. Therefore there were no "pay per visit pumpkin patches" which was lucky as there were no social media sites to upload cutesy pictures to either. By the same reasoning there were no sunflower fields being trampled for selfies either. I digress.
Back to All Hallow's Eve. Having seven children everyone expects me to be geared up to answer the door in costume loaded with sugary treats. But my youngest is autistic and would rather hide under the duvet than knock on anyone's door even for sweets and the rest have left home so I'll be inside eating all the Haribo myself while watching Dance Moms/Below Deck/Love After Lockup or something similarly trashy so ring the doorbell at your peril. I have been known to turn the lights off and ignore the door and I rejoice if we happen to be away on October 31. See, I told you I was miserable.
Let's move on to Christmas. And specifically the newer traditions because although I am a lover of trees, crackers and festive food I am most definitely not a fan of that elf with or without a shelf. What parent, exhausted already by parenting and all the Christmas nonsense from plays, parties and hyped up children wants to add in the nightly chore of staging an elf?
Remembering the flipping advent calendars are enough bother and I'm still not entirely sure I approve of the chocolate themed ones although I have been known to appreciate coffee and candle calendars myself. We always have at least one religious one to remind the children it's not all about Peppa Pig or Pokemon.
Elf on the Shelf. It's like the Northern Lights in recent months, come December 1 my feed will be filled with photos of elves. It was mildly amusing the first year now stop it.
And now to my Scroogle-like finale (for now). Christmas Eve Boxes. Dear Lord as if Christmas isn't expensive enough people are prepping Christmas Eve boxes. Only acceptable if you are German or some other culture which celebrates on the wrong day (I'm joking, please don't write in)
Seriously children can wait until Christmas Day for their new pyjamas, a book and whatever other stuff seems to be becoming de rigeur in the day before box. Christmas Day is exciting enough without premature gifting and we need to knock this nonsense on the head before we start with Christmas Eve- Eve boxes. Or Boxing Day Boxes. Or Wednesday night boxes.
New parents stand your ground. Don't be sucked in and you will be be able to feel smug about cash and time saved otherwise where will we end up? Halloween elves and Halloween eve boxes that's where.