Right. I'm forcing myself to watch it again. And as a mum to 7 obviously I have previously seen Polar Express but generally as many parents will understand, I was popping in and out, loading and unloading washing, cooking meals and generally not settling. But what I did see I found rather terrifying. How will it fare when I'm concentrating?
Luckily my children are resilient souls and found my fear amusing rather than contagious and now every Christmas they tease me about my dislike of Polar express.
I don't know if it's the animation? Detailed as it is I can't lose myself in it the way I do in Toy Story. Is it the eyes? The skin looks almost rubberised and makes me think of those AI-powered robots which will take over humankind in a variety of series and films.
Did the parents not teach this child anything? An unexpected and frankly creepy steam train appears in the middle of the night accompanied by some kind of Mad Max-esque industrial noises. A shouty conductor appears out of the steam, tells him off about his lack of christmas joy and he just gets on? Stranger danger anyone?
I love Tom Hanks but this virtual version of him scares me to death. The children stop playing and scurry to their seats when he appears - clearly frightened of him. The emergency brake scene? Literally shouting in the kids face. I suppose it will stop youngsters being tempted to try it in IRL. There are frequent times where the children seem to expect to get in trouble - hardly a festive fun ride is it?
The lost ticket thing is just so dark and weird. More creepiness with the transient man making sock infused coffee the fire on the roof of the train doing his disturbing Santa impression. "Do you believe in ghosts?" Yikes!
They put a small child in charge of the engine which viewers will know tackles gravity defying sections of track on a regular basis. The ice lake scene is enough to put anyone off travel by rail forever.
Let's pause now to give the forsaken and abandoned room a special disturbed AF award. Much as I approve of the recycling ethos those tangled puppets wouldn't be out of place in an 18+ horror flick.
When I think of elves I never think of them as a military force with jackboots marching towards their leader. Was one of them wearing a hat in the style of that other angry little man, Napoleon? The gathering in the town square feels more public execution than happy yuletide gathering.
I feel like I need to watch ELF! a dozen times to restore my faith and joy in the little helpers.
I mean I should be happy the homeless man wasn't decapitated by the tunnel because he's a apparently a ghost but as three of the children break ALL health and safety regulations in the gift factory and the climax to this fever dream speeds towards us like the runaway carriage containing three small children I find myself feeling no amount of lebkuchen and mulled wine will bring back my Christmas spirit.
Cue uplifting music as the children float over an industrial landscape in Santa's sack - is this where I get to see why this film is a festive staple for so many?
Nope - more peril to come. Much as I am not too sure about the less-than-cute elves I would not want to see them crushed by the tree topper. Although the one that says "trust me" gives off what my daughter calls "not allowed near school vibes" so maybe a pointy star to the noggin might not be such a bad thing?
Slowed down "Santa claus is coming to town" is so horrific we've now deleted the whole song off our christmas playlists. My daughter says she's not sure she wants him to come to town any more.....
And of course, the predictable learning scene (beloved particularly by US filmmakers). Here creepy conductor Tom punches the tickets giving the children a life lesson Sadly one of those lessons wasn't "don't put important things in pockets with holes in."
The finale is fairly predictable but I'll admit it does redeem the film slightly and gives that warm glow you should feel watching festive fodder. Still, if I had to choose between naughty and nice it would not be getting anything but coal from me.